This is mainly the reason why I don’t want to give people an access to my Tumblr account. I just can’t trust myself to be responsible when I’m mad.
I’m 100% sure you don’t know about this blog’s existence yet- which I’m hoping you never will- so I might as well abuse this knowledge as long as I can.
The truth is, I still miss you. I never stopped missing you. The reason why I’m drowning myself in academics, aside from wanting better grades, is to block my mind from entertaining thoughts of you. Of us. Or what-could-have-been us, if I put it specifically.
I’m sorry if I had been this coward little girl scared of taking risks. It isn’t because you weren’t enough. It’s just that this is not the right time. It is not yet our time. Not with them telling me to avoid being in these relationships. I’ve been there and I never want to be there again. Broken hearts take a long time to heal. Waiting would be a better option. I hope by now you get my point.
Also, I heard you’re with someone now. I’m not sure if it’s true though. Either way, I’m happy for you. Not the sarcastic I-hope-you-break-up-with-her way. Atleast you found your happiness and it’s a cue for me to move on.
Lastly, thank you for our little love story.
Because I feel like being like you today. Hello, selfish me. Eat up your own dose of medicine and no, your bitterness won’t affect me this time.
So far for the past few days, I haven’t heard from you. No GM’s, no likes, let alone PM’s.
You’re finally completely letting me go, huh? I guess it’s for the best. I should be happy, too. Don’t you think? After all, who had always wanted this to happen in the first place? Yup. Me.
I couldn’t understand myself, though. I couldn’t understand why something in me is still hoping you haven’t fully given me up.That you’d somehow hold on and fulfill what you told me.
Downloaded a “few” books again. I wish I had the time to read all of them though. I have my fingers crossed for Christmas break. Mehehehe
On another note, I haven’t done anything productive over the weekend which is a bummer I must say but I didn’t regret anything. Lazy me is lazy.
I woke up with a throbbing heart in my mouth. My breathing quickened. The rain poured. I dreamt of him.. again.
I had the feeling that something would happen like how it usually does when he appears in my dreams. Something that would remind me of his words, his existence – him. Suddenly my phone beeped pulling me up from my reverie.
Who would text me in the middle of the night? Maybe some group message or something. I grabbed my phone and was stunned to see the familiar name on the screen. A prick of pain hit me in the deepest corners of my heart. An agony I experienced just by seeing those few letters that made an impact over the last few months. That once was a sweet combination of symbols I secretly wished not to see again but at the same time hoped was always present in my inbox.
I opened his message and read what was inside.
“I miss you.”
I stared wide-eyed at those three little but surprisingly shocking words. My mind suddenly welcomed the influx of our past memories together. I was furious. I got up and typed in my reply.
“No! Don’t let me hope you’d try to fix what was broken when you only wanted to interrupt me with thoughts of you, of us. I’m tired of all this. I. Am. Tired. Can’t you see that?”
“But.. I meant it.”
“Stop. We’ve done this a lot of times before. An inconsiderable number of times that I memorized how this goes. You text me. I reply. We make fun of each other. We argue. I apologize. We stop texting for a while. Then the cycle continues. Please even if you have the slightest urge to ignore me after this, no thanks. I’ve had enough.”
I exhaled heavily not realizing that I’ve been holding my breath for the last few seconds. I went back to bed completely dismissing any thoughts of him.
By: Chelsea Fagan
You deserve to look in the mirror every morning and see someone that, though not perfect, isn’t trying to be. You deserve to walk past the billboards and commercials that show staged-and-Photoshopped images of what and who you are supposed to be and laugh at them, secure in…